Things were starting to take their toll. I was sad almost all the time, I wasn't eating properly or exercising, and it was beginning to strain my relationship with my boyfriend. We kept arguing about stupid things, because I thought I was keeping my feelings under control but in reality I was letting all the negativity in my head seep through. It's really tough to be in a situation where you know there's an end - in my case, the end of a lease - but it's months away. Part of you keeps thinking "there's a light at the end of the tunnel" while the other part of you thinks "I can't deal with this anymore." And those conflicting feelings led to so much inner turmoil that a lot of the time I couldn't do much but just blankly stare into space.
Cut to now, and it really does feel like a weight has been lifted. My recent holiday was the best way to remind me that I have family around me who support and love me, and that I can still be fun and carefree sometimes. I've been eating much healthier and working out again and, shock horror, I'm planning on running once I get back to Dundee because I'll be near a great route. And as trivial as it seems, I've noticed myself being more daring with fashion and beauty. It's actually such a freeing feeling being able to throw on a Barbie-pink tee (remember that black was my favourite colour for like, ever) and feel super cute. Or to wear a green eyeshadow and think "I look awesome here." It sounds silly, but because of these superficial things I can see that I'm growing my confidence back again. It's literally written on my face. And my body.
Right now I'm at home in Glasgow until my new lease starts in August and for once it's refreshing to be here and relaxed. The last few times I've been home it's because I had to escape from my flatmates, while this time round although it's a necessity because I'm between leases, I have actually chosen to stay here and use it as a chance to both chill out and get my productive self back. While I'm here I've thrown myself into blogging again, and I think my brain is better for it! I struggle to be creative when I'm down, but taking all those photographs in Barcelona made me so excited to write the posts, and I've now got a month's worth of content scheduled because this free time and great weather is giving me such inspiration.
That being said, I'm genuinely looking forward to moving back to Dundee. It's my home away from home, and I love it during the summer. I'll be back living in the area of the city I love, surrounded by nature but still close to the shops, of course. And we've already nearly got the Freshers issue of Magdalen finished which is just so exciting - working on the magazine was one of last year's highlights for me and so I can't wait to spend more time with the new team to make a magazine we're proud of. I think I went through the past year in a bit of a daze and I'm disappointed that I let something so toxic overtake my life. I really hope that I've grown from it. Right now I'm in this protective bubble of home, but I hope that my confidence and happiness sticks around.
Essentially this post is to say that I'm doing a lot better. I know myself and I know that I struggle with negative emotions so I can't really say "hey I'm happy now!" (just like no-one can) but I can say that I am so glad to be out of such a negative place. As cliche as it sounds, this marks a new stage in my life and I for one can't wait to see what comes from it.