From September to November I was working on my final Creative Writing folio in my undergrad career. Each year we compile pieces of work and submit them to be graded, and then we do it all again the next year hoping that we've learned. And every year I have felt as if I've learned more, and that I've improved as a writer. And every year, my grade has been lower than the one before it. Now, grades aren't the end-all-be-all, and Creative Writing as a subject is obviously one of the most subjective out there, but it has still been fairly damaging for my self-confidence. Here I am, feeling as if I've accomplished something, and I'm getting told I haven't hit the mark.
This time round, I poured my heart and soul into the folio. I wrote about a subject I've always shied away from, and one that was so raw at the time - love, and the heartbreak that comes with it. While the characters weren't me, they were still speaking the lines I feel, going through the emotions I had experienced not long before writing (and was still going through, to be quite honest). While my other folios had been what I thought was good writing, this folio was a little piece of my heart. And how did I do? I got the lowest grade of my entire university career.
I don't want to write a rant about the person who marked my folio. I'm well aware that Creative Writing is an incredibly subjective subject, and that one person's opinion on my work isn't legally binding. But it's still devastating, hearing that a professor doesn't think your work is noteworthy, especially when it was such a personal project for me. I can't lie, I had a bloody long cry after I saw my grade staring back at me, and spent weeks feeling like I'd failed. I picked up my marked folio and immediately filed it away, and I still haven't looked at all the comments. I suppose I still do feel a sense of failure (it doesn't matter as much to me now, but rejection and failure are tough for me to get over) but it also had me trying to change my thought process and think about what things I am good at.
I threw myself into writing for this blog. This is a space where I can write about literally anything I want, and no one except me is going to stop me. I can write in a chatty way, I can break rules with grammar (to an extent, I'm still an English Lit student. And not an animal), I can be the final say on what text hits the internet. And I still added to that folio I'd made. I'm so proud of it. It gets me down that it was graded so low, but in the larger scheme of things I think I achieved something. I understood what writing from the heart truly is, and I learned what style I love. My blogging style and my "creative" style is very different, but I'm becoming confident with that. I have different emotions connected with both kinds of writing, and that's ok. Maybe one day I'll share my non-bloggy writing on here, but for now I'm content with keeping them separate.
The grade has made me re-think the career path I want to take. I know that from the outside looking in, it might seem like I'm running away from Creative Writing because I got a bad grade. But actually, I think it made me wake up to the fact that I wasn't feeling completely fulfilled by that half of my course. I'm probably still going to apply to study a further year of Creative Writing, because I genuinely would like to learn more, but I've also decided to branch out and consider the English Lit part of my course. Those are the classes that I've actually enjoyed more over the years, so I'm now looking into whether that's the route I want to go down. It's nice feeling like I have more options. In a way, it's a good thing that I got this grade, or else I'd still be on the path which I imagined for myself months ago, a path which now I'm not sure is for me.
I don't think I can say I'm confident in my creativity. Sometimes I think I am, but more often than not I feel like a bit of a fraud. The thing is, when I feel good about what I can do, I damn well go for it. The key to being creative, I've found, is that when you have an idea you should run with it. And even if someone doesn't like it, it shouldn't disregard the effort you've put in and the love you have for the finished product. No one else should dictate how you feel about your own creativity, even those who are accomplished in that field. It's something I'm still trying to accept, but at least writing this out marks that I'm willing and ready for the change to happen.
Some things for myself (and hopefully you) to take away from this:
1. If you're proud of something, that's it. You've achieved something, no matter what anyone else thinks.
2. Even though grades are important, they are not everything. They guide a lot of things when it comes to academia, but they should not affect your self-worth.
3. You should listen to the people who do support you, because something as simple as "I liked this!" means so much, and fills your heart with so much more joy than an A will.
4. Just go for it. You can do it.